I wrote this up on Facebook yesterday. I thought I would share it here where it can be woven into the bigger story of my life that I share here xx
On this day 3 years ago I celebrated my 12th wedding anniversary with Mister Alec. We got up and he had set up a plan to drive to the beach and then stop at a cafe for lunch. But in true Alec style, he hadn’t actually chosen the beach or booked the cafe, because he just expected it would all work out. We didn’t know the area we were driving to. Alec had chosen it simply because there was blue next to green on the map so he figured that this is where the beach would be. Turns out that the three hour drive all around the Point Cook area didn’t quite offer the scenic vistas he had hoped for, but it did give us a chance to listen to The Jezabels in the car and find a little cafe with amazing fish.
He was right! It did all work out. We did yoga on the beach and just enjoyed the peace and calm of being balanced and in the company of love.
It was a beautiful day, and one that brings a tear to my eye as I think of the horrible loss that I have experienced. The loss wasn’t just mine though. The world was graced with a gift in Alec, and now we must simply remember, and be grateful for the days that we had with him.
I remember on day 6 after his passing I realised that the best outcome from that awful event would simply be acceptance. Nothing was ever going to change the fact that he was gone, but that I had memories to cherish and treasures of love, learning and growth to take with me into the next chapter. I saw a glimpse of the power of that acceptance on that day, but I admit that I resented it deeply and hated the fact that to simply accept such a gut wrenching tragedy was my best option. I was angry and hurting so so much.
Now I have acceptance. My eyes still brim with tears even as I write today, because the loss is sad, and it hurt me deeply. But I am so so grateful for everything that I have experienced, and everything that I continue to experience in this magical life I have now.
What a strange thing it is. To embrace pain is to dissolve its power. By accepting the reality that some things in life will hurt – they will cut us up, changes will be permanent, and situations will be uncertain and scary – But accepting the feelings of fear, hurt, anger, resentment … even powerlessness … all empower us to tackle each day. When we accept that pain will come, and for some it is being felt right now, we can somehow enjoy a confidence that we will not only get through, but that we will be better for the experience.
So in a strange way, I am grateful. Not for the loss, or the hurt, or the feelings of fear, abandonment, loneliness, grief. But for the opportunity that I have had to learn that even amidst deep pain there is beauty, power, grace, and opportunity. From this place of acceptance, I can love more deeply, take greater risks, dream bigger dreams, and extend more of myself to others.
Because I know that pain will come, and I know I can get through that. And I know that this is the pathway to growth.
Thank you Mister Alec. You helped make me free.